Australia's X-Factor Not Enough. Or is it?

I can restrain myself no longer. It seems that everyone is doing it. I think I even heard the Pope talking about it the other day. Or maybe that was something else.

Yes, it’s time for an Ashes preview.

If you are the kind of person who would rather go on a date with Gillian McKeith while being serenaded by Wagner (the X-Factor one, not the composer of Test-match-length operas) and danced at by Ann Widdecombe (see how topical I am!) than read about cricket, then I do urge you not to lose interest at this point. As I showed in the last, albeit rather long, and actually full of nested clauses (and parentheses) sentence, I do like to popularise these blogs of specialist interest just to keep the laypeople reading.

In the recent past, Ashes encounters in Australia have resembled a quadratic equation in which the unknown ‘X’ (as we will discover later, a crucial letter in this context) has been replaced by the words ‘Australia win' and all the other elements have also been replaced by 'Australia win'. On occasions the contest has been more uneven than the contents of Mr. Bumpy's Bumper Bag of Big Bumps. Australians would have you believe that the most recent meeting between the two teams Down Under occurred in 2006-2007 and resulted in a 5-0 trouncing for Australia over the Poms. It’s funny, but I can remember everything about that series up until the moment when the great English bowler Steve Harmison stood poised at the end of his run-up, ready to unleash his particular brand of hell on the unsuspecting and hapless Australian batsmen. As far as I know, the series stopped there and the next time the teams met was in England last year, when we thrashed them 2-1.

So visiting teams fare badly in Australia. On this occasion, however, England fans can allow themselves the merest hint of optimism. Why? Well, let’s compare the two teams in a completely even-handed, unbiased and utterly accurate and truthful point-by-point list:

POINT ONE - PREPARATION

Magnificent England’s preparation for this series has been thorough, professional and seamless - an object lesson in how to acclimatise, build momentum and send the right signals to both yourselves and the opposition. Under the inspiring leadership of Honorary Englishman and Great Cricketing Hero Andy Flower they come to Australia not having lost a Test series in the last 5 and having won 12 of their last 19 Tests. All of those wins have been so facile as to make stealing candy from a child look like a daring and sophisticated art heist as portrayed in The Thomas Crown Affair.

Feeble Australia, by contrast, have lost 12 of their last 18 international games, and were so scaredy-cat about losing two of the others that they arranged for them to be wiped out by mysterious and entirely uncharacteristic-of-the-country-they-were-in rainstorms.

Pathetic.

POINT TWO - SELECTION CONSISTENCY

Indomitable England have a settled squad.

Wobbly Australia were so uncertain about the make-up of their squad that they could only narrow it down to 17 with two weeks to go to the first Test. When they finally got round to naming an appropriately-sized squad they included Xavier Doherty, an uncapped spinner who boasts a first-class bowling average of 48.26. So, having introduced Mr. Doherty, it’s time for:

Killer Stat Number One
Teams selecting players whose name begins with ‘X’ have an appalling recent record. Of the last 11 games played by sides picking a player whose first name begins with ‘X’, only one has been won. Xenophon Constantine Balaskas may have had a groovy name, but he was unable to prevent South Africa from three consecutive innings defeats against Australia in 1936. More recently, Xavier Marshall’s only success in Tests came when the West Indies beat England in 2009, but as this was the last time that England resembled a ragtag collection of five-year-olds who had never played cricket before, and they have since evolved into a fearsome squad of lantern-jawed Aussie-munchers, that result is irrelevant.

This is closely followed by:

Killer Stat Number Two
www.babynames.com lists no fewer than 28 boy’s names beginning with ‘X’. The fact that only two of those names (Xavier and Xenophon) have made it to Test Match Player status shows you just how flaky the letter is when it comes to top level sporting achievement. No side could possibly succeed with a name like that in its ranks.

POINT THREE - FORM

England have improved throughout their three warm-up games, in which all the batsmen have spent time at the crease, all the bowlers have taken wickets (including the second string) and tactical plans have been executed clinically. Most recently, they completed an easy victory over Australia A, in a fixture normally notable for the way it highlights the embarrassing gulf between the two nations. In days gone by, most of Australia second-best would have walked into the England side - nowadays they'd have as much chance of a game as I have of becoming manager of Liverpool’s all-powerful European Cup-winning side of the late 1970s and early 1980s.

As an indicator of the confidence running through this squad, suffice it to say that Monty Panesar took a one-handed wonder catch off a full-blooded pull shot.

Monty.

Not Jonty. Monty.

As for form between the two sides, how about:

Killer Stat Number Three
Jonathan Trott, England’s very-English-oh-yes middle-order batsman, has never ever lost a Test Match against Australia.

And how have Australia fared recently? Well, let’s wheel out:

Killer Stat Number Four
Baby-faced Aussie-muncher Ian Bell (192) scored more runs in his most recent innings than Ponting, Watson, Katich, Haddin and North cumulatively managed in their last game (169). So this pattern is bound to repeat itself in all five Tests. Obviously.

POINT FOUR - NICKNAMES

English players’ nicknames are a mark of the togetherness of the squad. Finny, Swanny, Cooky, Belly, Straussy. Just add -y to the surname and Boby’s your uncley.

Australian players’ nicknames are all over the place: Pup, Midge, Kat, Eagle. Make your minds up, guys - cricket team or menagerie? Of the others, Steven Smith is so undistinguished that, according to Cricinfo, he doesn’t even have a nickname.

Amateur hour.

That’s it. England are bound to win. It’s all going so smoothly.

Too smoothly. The last time England won the Ashes in Australia, they were so feeble in their warm-up games that they were famously slated by Martin Johnson in the ‘can’t bat, can’t bowl, can’t field’ article. This time they can patently do all of these things quite well.

So I’ve come to the uncomfortable conclusion that they’re bound to lose.

Bugger.

Comments

[The-Sis-In-Law]

Optimist: Believe they will win. If they do, it's nothing more than you expected. If they lose, it's utter devastation.
Pessimist: Believe they will lose. If they do you can at least gloat that you told everyone so. If they win, it is joy beyond your wildest dreams.
:-D

[Dave Garcia]

She'll be right, mate

[stoo]

Blofeld said on the radio with great confidence that England will win. I hope he's right. I was in Sydney during the 5-0 whitewash and remember that Harmison delivery well. Not that I saw the ball as it was no where near where you would look for it.

[pedro de la fiesta]

After the fourth day you get a much better sense of optimisism than the end of the third day.Its a funny old game.

[ArturMiyami]

Внимание скоро будет переворот.
Скоро будет переворот в российской и мировой анимации. Русские идут!
Случайно увидел на кинопоиске инфу о мультфильме «На краю света», честно
говоря, был приятно удивлен, что это наш русский мультфильм. Задумка
показалась довольно интересной, но больше всего меня поразило качество скринов,
на порядок выше всего, что видел раньше.

[forex converter]

Pois e realmente um programa maravilhoso ver o desfile de 20 de setembro em Piratini. Em 2007 eu fui pela primeira vez assisti-lo e fiquei emocionada, e um desfile muito lindo feito com alma por cada um daqueles gauchos que la vivem. Vale a pena.

[Pedro de la fiestra]

Point 5. You really must try and bowl out the opposition.

[RabotaiIK]

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