Ho. Ho. And, if you will, ho.

So it's half past ten on Christmas Eve and my wrapping's done. I've made inroads into Santa's mince pie and brandy (I'm doing him a favour - have you seen how much weight he's put on lately?), Kate Winslet is romcom-ing it up big time on the telly, and so my thoughts naturally turn to a seasonal message for the loyal blog readers who have nothing better to do over the festive season than to read my inane witterings. If you’ve got this far, you have my sympathies.

And here's where we hit the snag.

You see, I happen to know that the aforementioned lbr's cover a wide range, from the devout Christian, through the wide-eyed tinsel-worshipper, to the cynical, humbug-grunting Santa-pummeller, with every shade in between (well, the primary colours, at any rate - there's only about six of you)

So, how to deliver a Christmas message that leaves everyone satisfied? After all, at this time of year we want people to be happy, right?

To that end, I've prepared several short festive messages, each one diligently fashioned to appeal to a specific target audience. Simply choose the one that fits your mood and attitude.

1. May the love of God and His awesome Majesty be with you and those you love at this momentous and intensely Holy time.
2. OMG it's Christmas!!!! Woohoo!!! Bubbly, sparklers, shiny stuff and lots and lots of fabulous pressies!!!! And snow!!!! Wooooooot!!!! Let the partying commence!!! LOL!!!
3. We hope you have an enjoyable and peaceful time in the company of your family. It will be a bit boring, but they mean well, and at least the food will be good. Kinda.
4. Christmas is a time for the family, and especially the kids. We wish you all the joy of seeing their excited little faces light up as they open their presents, and especially of seeing your husband's shoulders droop as he takes on the task of setting up the train set / putting together the remote-control helicopter / housetraining the puppies [delete as appropriate].
5. Christmas is a great time of year, especially once you've got the obligatory church service out of the way. Have a great one, and try not to let religion intrude too much.
6. Let's face it, you're not going to get through the next three days without copious amounts of alcohol and chocolate, but you have at least deserved it, what with having lost your job last week. Try to enjoy it, and see if you can avoid being stuck next to Uncle Roger at lunch. Good luck!
7. The rampant commercialism and greed of the modern world have made a travesty of what was originally a perfectly respectable pagan mid-winter festival before it was hijacked by the Christians. Make sure you pass this message on to all you encounter over the grisly ‘Yuletide’ period.
8. It's 1-1 in the Ashes and the third test starts at midnight on Christmas night. Pace yourself, taking a nap between the turkey and the pud if necessary. It's important to get your priorities right at this time of year. After all, Christmas comes once a year, but that’s four times as often as the Ashes Down Under. Come on England!
9. Christmas is ok I suppose, but mostly because of the telly. Pass the mince pies.
10. You're going to spend the next three days cooking, cleaning, washing up and being polite to people you can't stand. Next year tell your family you’re going on a cruise. By yourself. Film the look on their faces and put it up on YouTube. It’s the only thing that can keep you going at this stage.

In all seriousness, I wish you all an extremely happy and restful Christmas and New Year, and many thanks for reading. It is much appreciated.

Comments

[Dud]

How do you know I'm a cynical, humbug-grunting Santa-pummeller?

[Charley the Gringo]

Thanks Lev! Same to you and yours, and theirs (where appropriate). Witterings enjoyed. Love, LBR#6.