Runny Thoughts

Higgs Boson a la CERN

It’s a commonly held misconception that the creation of a Higgs Boson particle is the province only of the professional particle chef. But it’s quite simple to rustle one up at home. Here’s one of my favourite recipes.

Higgs Boson a la CERN (feeds 0)
For this recipe you will need:
Everything You Thought You Knew About Physics
A Window
Most Of Switzerland
A Great Big Bag Of Cash
1 Large Hadron Collider
1 Linear Particle Accelerator
1 Proton Synchrotron Booster
1 Super Proton Synchrotron
1 Super-Duper Synchromesh Tronatron Da-Doo-Ron-Ron Dustbuster
6 Particle Detectors: ATLAS ((A Toroidal LHC ApparatuS), TOTEM (TOTal cross section, Elastic scattering and diffraction dissociation Measurement), ALICE (A Large Ion Collider Experiment), BOB (Big Old Bugger), CAROL (Crap AcROnym Lunacy), TED (TEDious list of stuff)
Some Particles
A Rubber Spatula
A Lot Of Very Clever Men Probably Wearing White Coats

1. Take Everything You Thought You Knew About Physics.
2. Throw it out of the window. Make sure window is open first.
3. Make sure you have your Great Big Bag Of Cash ready.
4. Take Most Of Switzerland. You don’t need to be that careful with it - it stands up to rough treatment, especially if you dip into your Great Big Bag Of Cash.
5. Dig up Most Of Switzerland and build a very big Circle Line.
6. Install your Large Hadron Collider in the Circle Line you have built.
7. Fire that baby up.
8. Oh.
9. Ah.
10. Magnetic quench in your superconducting bending magnets. Don’t you just hate it when that happens?
11. Fire that baby down.
12. Set aside for a year or so to cool.
13. Fire it up again.
14. You need to prepare your particles for injection into the Large Hadron Collider. First pass them through the Linear Particle Accelerator, then through the Proton Synchrotron Booster, then through the Super Proton Synchrotron, and finally through the Super-Duper Synchromesh Tronatron Da-Doo-Ron-Ron Dustbuster.
15. Now the particles are ready for collision. This is the fun bit.
16. Crank ‘em up and smash ‘em together. You are looking for a force of up to 7 TeV.
15. Don’t ask me what TeV means. I thought you were the particle physicist. It’s a lot anyway.
16. At this point there is a danger that the particles may curdle and that the entire known universe will be sucked into a black hole, meaning the end of existence as we know it. There is no need to panic, though. Simply take your spatula and carefully fold the particles back into the collider. Adding another egg yolk may help stabilise it, too.
17. You should now have a Higgs Boson particle. As it will only be in existence for a fraction of a nanosecond, serve immediately.

iNdecision

So the dudes at CERN have finally done it and now the particles are crashing into each other like demented but absolutely teensy dodgem cars. And we’re all still here.

So far.

Prof Brian Cox, previously mentioned here, has been tweeting up a storm, excitedly comparing the LHC to a cup of milky coffee (apparently there is more energy in the latter, making it much more of a threat to the planet than the former - I think he’s been reading me). He also threatened to chin the next person to say ‘black hole’ to him. How refreshing to see a public figure take a stand on the issues that really matter.

No sign yet, unfortunately, of the elusive Higgs Boson. It’s bound to be in the last place they look.

But even if we had been sucked into a black hole, it would have been as nothing when compared to the fathomless vortex of desire into which I am being inexorably dragged.
Bit by bit, day by day, they’re coming to get me. Clad in spotless (they obviously don’t have cats) black polo necks, and chanting strange mantras like ‘pinch to zoom’ and ‘let’s go for sushi!’, they resemble little more than the sinister beings who took over the world in The Invasion of the Bodysnatchers.

Ok, so the fashion is a bit different, but you get the idea. Soon, if you’re found not in possession of an iPhone, you will be exposed as ’the uncool’ by expressionless zombies pointing at you and shrieking like my coffee machine whipping up a manchiato.

I speak as someone who has owned two iPhones, both purchased on the first day of availability. My body was snatched a long time ago.

And now there’s the iPad.

We’ve known about it for a couple of months now, and reactions have varied from ‘it’s a big iPhone. What’s the fuss?’ to ‘it’s a big iPhone that is going to change the world and I am so excited I think my head’s about to fall off’.

I have one foot in each camp, which is odd, because I could never do the splits.

On the one hand, I already have an iPhone and I already have a computer. The iPad is neither one thing nor the other and won’t replace either of them. I don’t need one.

On the other hand...drool. And slobber. And drool again. I want one.

On the third hand, there is the possibility that it will actually change the world. And if there’s any world-changing gonna be happening that involves fiddling around with gadgets instead of armed uprising or particle beams, I want to be part of it.

So it’s a dilemma. What do you think? Should I get one? My decision will be based very nearly entirely on what you say.

No pressure.